


He Should Be Here

by astrivikia



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Basically the opposite of a fix-it fic, Depression, Gen, Lars' guilt is eating him alive, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-15 03:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11222109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrivikia/pseuds/astrivikia
Summary: Lars makes it out in the escape pod.  Steven doesn't.  (Canon divergent from the end of Stuck Together.)





	He Should Be Here

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my friend Sophie for giving me feedback while I wrote this!

Space was vast, and maybe under better circumstances he could have appreciated the beauty of it.  But as it was he could barely keep a handle on the cold dread in his chest.  It weighed his insides down and made him shiver.  Or maybe that was space?  
  
It was all blurring past so fast and he shut his eyes against it, tears starting to run down his face.  He was alone, so completely alone as the sobs wracked his frame.  
  
He slammed his hand against the bottom of the pod, a shock of pain going up his arm as his fingers curled against the smooth surface.  Guilt tore at his insides.  
  
Everything had happened so fast, and Steven had been right there.  If he could have just grabbed him before the pod closed.  If he’d just done something!  His head fell down against his knees.  
  
Steven should be here, he didn't deserve whatever was going to happen to him.  And he knew that something terrible _was_ going to happen whenever that ship got where it was headed.  He'd never seen Steven break like that before.

* * *

  
By the time the pod hit Earth's atmosphere, the guilt had mostly subsided into a feeling of numb acceptance.  The outside of the pod glowed dangerously upon reentry and in other circumstances he probably would have panicked, but he felt too exhausted.  He only managed a flinch, eyes narrowing against the sudden brightness.  

He didn't know how the pod was insulated against the heat, and he couldn't bring himself to care.  The impact was less intense than he expected, but it still managed to knock him against the side of the pod.  He let out a soft groan, absently rubbing his temple.  He scowled.  
  
Pushing himself back into a sitting position, he looked out through the tinted shell.  The beach, he'd crash landed somewhere along the beach.  The sand around the pod had turned to glass from the heat upon impact.  Perfect.  Just another day in Beach City.  Ronaldo was going to have a field day with this.  
  
He swallowed, running a hand along the smooth interior walls.  Nothing happened.  "Great," he mumbled bitterly to himself.  “I manage to get home and get stuck in my own escape pod.”  Silence answered back.  He ground his teeth together, frustration flaring inside him.  He really couldn’t get anything right could he?

"Steven?!" The panicked cry rang across the silent beach, quickly followed by a myriad of other voices.  Lars felt his heart sink, a feeling of nausea rising in him.  The Gems… They could probably open the pod.  And then they'd find out that Steven was still trapped with Aquamarine. The guilt and failure rose up anew, washing over him. Suddenly being trapped in the escape pod permanently didn't seem like such a bad thing.

“How do we get him out of there?”

“Steven can you hear me?!”

“Panicking won’t help Pearl.”  The tallest of Steven’s moms rested a hand on Pearl’s shoulder.  
  
Lars covered his ears, curling in on himself.  It didn’t help, sure it muffled the sound of their voices, but they were still there.  He could still hear them past the rushing in his ears.

“Get Peridot, she knows how these pods work.”  He didn’t bother trying to discern which of them had spoken.

He tried his best to tune them out as activity continued outside the pod.  What was he even supposed to say to them once they got the pod open.  And that was if he was lucky enough that his vocal cords cooperated in the first place.  His breath caught in his throat and he fought to stay calm.

Breathe, he needed to breathe.  He started to tap his fingers against the pod, attempting to match his breathing to the rhythm.  It took longer than he would have liked.

A different voice was outside now, one he hadn’t encountered before.

“Wait, if I just…. No, but if, no I almost have it!”  Lars eyebrows knit together as the nasally voice continued muttering to herself.  He opened his eyes to find a small green toned gem crouched in front of the pod, tapping on some sort of interface.

He had no idea who she was.  But she seemed to be the one who would be getting this thing open.

He could feel heat crawling on the back of his neck, the sickly kind that went hand in hand with panic.  It settled in the pit of his stomach and burned the back of his eyes.  He couldn’t do this.  How was he supposed to face Steven’s family and tell them-

A whooshing sound cut across his whirling thoughts, and suddenly there was a lot more light in the pod.  He flinched away from it, heart hammering in his chest.  

“I told you I could-”  The nasally voice cut off, eyes wide in surprise.

“The donut guy?!”

Before he could so much as blink, another of the gems was in front of him, her pupilless eyes seeming to glow in their intensity.

“Where’s Steven?!”  Her voice was taut with panic.  Lars opened his mouth, but the words caught in his throat.  His eyes flitted around the large group surrounding the pod.  They were all staring at him, and god their expressions just made this so much harder.  The worry, fear, and desperate frustration.  He squeezed his eyes shut.

“He’s gone.”  The words were little more than a whisper, like if he said them louder the reality of them would cement and he’d never be able to take it back.

“Gone?!”  He felt the gem crouching in front of him recoil, and forced his eyes open.  The tall, intimidating one stepped forward, placing a steadying hand on her shoulder.  The low words were slow and deliberate, but they didn’t quite contain the shaking in her voice.

“What do you mean he’s gone?”  Lars was grateful he couldn’t see her eyes.  The ones he could see were bad enough.

“What d’ya think?!”  His voice was high, tight from stress, and his frame shook minutely as his shoulders tensed.  “He’s still on the ship with those- those other aliens!”  And now he was talking he couldn’t stop.  “Everything happened so fast, and he didn’t make it into the pod and I should have-“ a sob cut off his words and he couldn’t.  He pushed himself up, nearly overbalancing in his haste.

He didn’t know whose hand caught his shoulder and steadied him.  The world was blurred from his tears.  “I’m sorry.”  His voice broke on the words.

* * *

  
"Lars, I know you're in there!  Please, just talk to me; no one's seen you since you got back from space." Lars tilted his head over the back of his chair, staring at the door as he debated whether to say anything.    
  
"Lars please, I was really worried.  I still am really worried."  He squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
"I'm fine, would you just go?" The response was tired, none of the bite she might have expected coloring the words.  
  
"Lars I know you!  You’re not fine!”  Emotions twisted in his chest, but he was just so tired.  He couldn’t handle going through what happened again.  He was exhausted.  
  
“Sadie, please….”  The words were soft and hollow.

“Look, I won’t make you talk about it if you don’t want to, just, I want to see you.”  She rested a hand against the door.  “Let me in?”

He let out a shaky breath, drawing his legs in from where he’d propped them up.  He curled inward for a second before forcing himself up.  Crossing the room felt far further than it should, and the lock was cold under his fingers as he opened the door.

Sadie looked over him sadly for a long moment.

“Oh Lars,” she whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around him.  He let his chin rest against the top of her head, eyes fluttering shut as he clung back just as tightly.

They ended up sitting together on the couch for a long time that night.  Sadie was curled against him with her head resting against his chest while he had his arms looped loosely around her, one hand in her hair.  Her presence helped chase away the lingering horror inside of him, at least temporarily.  They didn’t talk, and he was grateful for that. 

Lars wasn’t in any state to go back to work, but the long hours at home to think weren’t doing him any favors either.  Mostly, he just wanted to sleep, but that led to nightmares.  Awful things that could be happening and awful things that never did.

He busied himself with baking, videogames, he turned his music up as loud as he could to drown out the thoughts.  He knew he wasn’t coping well.

Sadie came around most days.  Neither of them really questioned it.  He still wasn’t talking a lot, and he welcomed the stories Sadie told him about her day.  They were a good distraction.  He could see the questions in her eyes, but she didn’t ask.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted her to.  He didn’t want to think about it, about any of it.  Didn’t want to think about Steven.

It’d been a little over a week now.  He was talking more, just not about what happened.  He wasn’t okay, but he was doing his best at faking normalcy.  He knew Sadie didn’t believe it for a second, but at least she was humoring him.

They’re baking cookies when she finally tentatively breaches the subject.

“Look, I know you don’t like this kind of stuff, but I really think it might help you to talk to someone.  Like someone professional?”  She avoided his gaze, before squaring her shoulders and continuing.  “What all of us went through before the ship went into space was bad enough.  And I can only imagine-“

He couldn’t do this, he wasn’t doing this.  “It’s not gonna happen,” he said flatly.  Sadie’s eye twitched, mouth setting into a frustrated line as she lifted her eyes to meet his.  His lips curled in distaste.

“Come on Lars!”  She snapped.  “Don’t fight me on this, you’re clearly suffering from survivor’s guilt, and I hate seeing you like this!”

He frowns; the concept makes him uncomfortable.  He knows why.  He reacts the way he always does when things get too close for comfort, sarcasm.  
  
"Wow, there's a word for what I'm feeling.  How exactly does that help me Sadie?"

“Could you stop blaming yourself for five seconds?!  Do you really think he’d want you to shut yourself off like this if he were here?”  
  
“Ya, except he’s not here!”  His voice had risen to almost a yell.  His hands were balled at his sides.

“He’s not here and anything could be happening to him and if I let myself think about it for too long-“  He cut off, throwing the whisk he’d been holding down on the counter to try and release some of his frustration.  Sadie was staring at him with wide eyes and he hated everything.

He buried his face in his hands, sliding down so he was sitting with his knees against his chest in front of his kitchen cupboards.  “He was terrified on the ship,” he admitted.  He hadn’t told the gems how scared Steven was, it wouldn’t have helped anything.

“I don’t know what he thought those other gems were going to do to him but just thinking about it makes me feel sick Sadie.”  He peeked through his fingers, surprised to find her crouched in front of him.  She rested a hand on his knee and he swallowed, glancing down at the ground.  The world was slightly blurred and he swiped at his eyes before dropping his hands into his lap.  They were shaking slightly.  
"Lars, Steven being with those gems isn't your fault. He-"

"Chose it?" Lars' eyes narrowed, a protectiveness flaring in him. "This isn't Steven's fault!"

"I wasn't going to say that," Sadie said, holding up her hands. "I just- we- you're not responsible for other people."

"Then who is?!  He's just a kid, Sadie!" Tears pooled in his eyes again, and he grit his teeth against them, letting out a frustrated breath.  

"I know he has special powers, but- just, it’s so messed up.  Steven’s only like fourteen, what kind of fourteen year old kid sacrifices himself like that?!  He deserves to have a childhood y’know?  Just, what sort of fucked up world are we in that he’s god knows where in space at the mercy of aliens that hate him for something he didn’t do?!”

Sadie shifted so she was sitting next to him, one of her hands seeking out his and squeezing it.  He screwed his eyes shut, voice dropping to a softer tone.  
  
“He should be here, he was right there and I just…  If I could have just grabbed him before the pod closed.”  
  
“Lars don’t do this to yourself, you’ll drive yourself crazy thinking about all the what ifs….”

“He deserves to be here….”  The unspoken ‘more than I do’ hung heavy in the air.

**Author's Note:**

> There is the slight chance of a second chapter to give this a less angsty ending, but I can't seem to get it to work, so for now I'm calling it complete.


End file.
